Muscles, Mimosas, and Misery

Depression is one of the most well known mental disorders.  If I walked out into the streets and asked someone what depression is I'm sure I would get a many varied responses.  Some of them would be accurate and some of them would not be, but everyone I asked would know the word.  According to the National Institute of Mental Health , 6.7% of adults in the US suffered from depression in 2016.  The World Health Organization (WHO) states that "globally more than 300 million people of all ages suffer from depression."  Also according to WHO, "Depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide and is a major contributor to the overall global burden of disease." Despite this information many people still suffer in silence.  There are many reasons why people do not reach out when they are in need, but most are associated with shame and the stigma of the disease.  This silence needs to be broken.  Those who suffer with depression and other mental ...

I know I have about zero followers and that is okay.  I keep thinking about starting an awareness movement for mental illness.  There are already so many national organizations that do it, but I know I personally never see anything from them which leads me to believe that many others do not see those either.  I know if I started something that there would not be many people who would see what I start either, but I think it is important.  There is so much stigma and embarrassment surrounding mental illness and it can make it difficult for people to seek help or even talk about it with their friends.  I know that typically most people don't discuss their illnesses in general, so it is a strange thing to want to openly discuss mental illness.  I keep thinking about starting the movement though.  I'm just not sure how.  I don't know what the best way to approach it would be.  I will keep thinking about it and maybe I will come up with something. ...

I went to the psychiatrist today.  Overall, it was....well...it was an experience.  I have been terrified of taking meds from the beginning.  This fear has fueled my anxiety towards the psychiatry visit.  I was cool, calm, and collected as I pulled into the parking lot.  I was calm and confident as I opened the door to the building, but the moment I entered the waiting room panic welled up inside me.  "Fuck, I'm really hear," I thought.  The initial process was no different from any other doctor's office.  I filled out the intake paperwork and had my vitals taken.  I was then sent back to the waiting room.  A few minutes later I was called back to the "exam" room and my panic continued to grow. My therapist had been very insistent that I see the actual psychiatrist.  I would have been so much more comfortable if I had seen the psychiatrist.  Instead, I saw the nurse practitioner.  I have nothing against nurses, and I kno...

It is so much easier to be manic than it is to be depressed.  In mania the world is full of possibility and potential.  In depression the world is a grey, empty wasteland of nothingness.  Everyday life seems unbearable.  There are no small moments to look forward to.  Life is the daily drudge of simply being alive.  The one thing that both mania and depression have in common is that the cure for both, in my mind, is replacing this life with one full of possibility and excitement.  In mania, however, I see this as possible.  In depression, I do not see this as possible. I must decide what I want my life to be.  I do not know if I can do that.  Is it even possible to know?  I keep asking myself, am I truly not happy with this life or is it illness that makes me unhappy ?  What does my fulfilled life look like?  In depression I know the chances of me being a  professional writer are very small.  Would I even be ha...

I had clear intentions for this post, but first I'm going to have a ramble session.  I was reading my bio and realized it said I had recently turned 30, and then I realized this blog was a bit on the older side.  Which led me to realize that I'm actually 31.  I had to get out a calculator and subtract my birth year from the current year to fully realize this.  I've been telling everyone I'm 30 and I think I've put that on a few important applications.  I honestly thought I was still 30.  Does this happen to everyone as you get older?  Do you just randomly forget how old you are?  What a strange thing... Today marks day four of my vacation.  I have had lots of time to rest and think.  I typed something for myself yesterday that really resonated with me.  I hope it marks a shift in my attitudes and perspective.  "I want to work out because I love my body, not because I hate it."  I hope I can make this true.  Along wi...

I hit a low point this month.  I'm not sure what triggered it, but I had a depression surge.  In the past I have struggled with depression, but it has been a few years since I've had a bad bout of it.  The last therapist I went to helped tremendously and I learned fantastic coping mechanisms that helped take the power out of it.  This time, it latched onto something new.  Its something that has always been there, but the depression monster had never taken it on before.  This time my body image came into the path of the depression. As I'm sure this blog can attest to, I haven't been a consistent dieter.  I would be good for a 1-3 weeks then stop for 1-3 weeks.  Rinse repeat forever.  I fell off the health train again and this entire week my depression has been relentless over it.  I've had the following thoughts replaying through my head repeatedly: "You're fat and disgusting.  You look like a fat troll.  You are a fat troll w...