I hit a low point this month. I'm not sure what triggered it, but I had a depression surge. In the past I have struggled with depression, but it has been a few years since I've had a bad bout of it. The last therapist I went to helped tremendously and I learned fantastic coping mechanisms that helped take the power out of it. This time, it latched onto something new. Its something that has always been there, but the depression monster had never taken it on before. This time my body image came into the path of the depression.
As I'm sure this blog can attest to, I haven't been a consistent dieter. I would be good for a 1-3 weeks then stop for 1-3 weeks. Rinse repeat forever. I fell off the health train again and this entire week my depression has been relentless over it. I've had the following thoughts replaying through my head repeatedly: "You're fat and disgusting. You look like a fat troll. You are a fat troll with a goblin belly. You don't deserve to love yourself." At one point this week I had to fight to not leave work. The anxiety part of it came in strong as well. That was more paranoia and fear about leaving my office/house and being seen by other people. "They know I've gained a pound!" There was one day in particular when I didn't even want to drink water because of the added weight that WATER gives you.
The cloud has broken for now, but I am not foolish enough to think it is gone. I see it just below the surface, waiting for a chance to break free. That being said I am doing several things to "fix" it. I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist that is skilled in Acceptance Commitment Therapy (the only therapy that has ever worked for me). I joined weight watchers. And perhaps the luckiest of all, I have a wonderful husband who I can share my depression thoughts with.
**Side note*** If anyone who has depression is reading this I encourage you to have at least one person who can just sit with you and you're depression and not judge. I have been lucky through the years to have a friend. I remember once I was super depressed and my therapist had told me to not be alone. I called up Anna (name changed) and explained the situation to her. She invited me over to her apartment, sat me on her couch, gave me a blanket, and placed a massive stuffed turtle on top of me. She then went about her business of cleaning, studying, etc and just let me lay on her couch with this giant stuffed turtle. It helped.
I'm pretty sure I had more I wanted to write about but now all I can imagine is a giant stuffed turtle sitting on top of me, so I guess I'm done for now!
As I'm sure this blog can attest to, I haven't been a consistent dieter. I would be good for a 1-3 weeks then stop for 1-3 weeks. Rinse repeat forever. I fell off the health train again and this entire week my depression has been relentless over it. I've had the following thoughts replaying through my head repeatedly: "You're fat and disgusting. You look like a fat troll. You are a fat troll with a goblin belly. You don't deserve to love yourself." At one point this week I had to fight to not leave work. The anxiety part of it came in strong as well. That was more paranoia and fear about leaving my office/house and being seen by other people. "They know I've gained a pound!" There was one day in particular when I didn't even want to drink water because of the added weight that WATER gives you.
The cloud has broken for now, but I am not foolish enough to think it is gone. I see it just below the surface, waiting for a chance to break free. That being said I am doing several things to "fix" it. I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist that is skilled in Acceptance Commitment Therapy (the only therapy that has ever worked for me). I joined weight watchers. And perhaps the luckiest of all, I have a wonderful husband who I can share my depression thoughts with.
**Side note*** If anyone who has depression is reading this I encourage you to have at least one person who can just sit with you and you're depression and not judge. I have been lucky through the years to have a friend. I remember once I was super depressed and my therapist had told me to not be alone. I called up Anna (name changed) and explained the situation to her. She invited me over to her apartment, sat me on her couch, gave me a blanket, and placed a massive stuffed turtle on top of me. She then went about her business of cleaning, studying, etc and just let me lay on her couch with this giant stuffed turtle. It helped.
I'm pretty sure I had more I wanted to write about but now all I can imagine is a giant stuffed turtle sitting on top of me, so I guess I'm done for now!
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