Muscles, Mimosas, and Misery

I'm out of town this weekend so I didn't have much time to find what I wanted to post about.  I think my next big post is going to be about the stigma of taking medication, so for this Saturday enjoy a meme about bipolar meds. 

I think I had a psychotic episode the other night. I definitely had a mixed episode or possibly extreme rapid cycling.  I've been reluctant to try and fix my head until that moment.  The worst part about it was that I had experienced parts of it before.  It was that remembered experience that let me know just how bad things are and how bad things can get.  I don't want to go back to that place.  The only positive I can say for it, is that I am relieved to know that when I quit life previously I really was having severe mental problems.  Now I know just how severe. So, what happened?  I will do my best to describe it, but in writing I can never capture the true feeling.  Things were going well, better than they had in a long time.  Ben and I were in the kitchen talking and joking around.  Then a message came across my screen and Ben got annoyed/dejected.  He said he just needed a minute.  His request was normal; my reaction wa...

It is so much easier to be manic than it is to be depressed.  In mania the world is full of possibility and potential.  In depression the world is a grey, empty wasteland of nothingness.  Everyday life seems unbearable.  There are no small moments to look forward to.  Life is the daily drudge of simply being alive.  The one thing that both mania and depression have in common is that the cure for both, in my mind, is replacing this life with one full of possibility and excitement.  In mania, however, I see this as possible.  In depression, I do not see this as possible. I must decide what I want my life to be.  I do not know if I can do that.  Is it even possible to know?  I keep asking myself, am I truly not happy with this life or is it illness that makes me unhappy ?  What does my fulfilled life look like?  In depression I know the chances of me being a  professional writer are very small.  Would I even be ha...

Good Morning World! I am much less scattered this morning.  I was able to get a full 8 hours of sleep without drugging myself which is fantastic.  I want to take this opportunity to write about Bipolar Disorder.  I could write out all the clinical symptoms and how to diagnose, etc, but that is not what this is about.  All of that information can be found online with a quick search.  I want to delve deep into what it means for me and how impact my life.  I am also going to take a moment to reflect on how so much of my life makes more sense knowing that I am Bipolar. For anyone who is unfamiliar with the disorder, Bipolar Disorder is a mental illness characterized my periods of depression, mania, or mixed episodes.  I started experience symptoms of hypomania in September and was subsequently diagnosed.  I think I would have continued un-diagnosed for several more weeks or months had it not been for a fantastic therapist that I had seen in the pa...