I think I had a psychotic episode the other night. I definitely had a mixed episode or possibly extreme rapid cycling. I've been reluctant to try and fix my head until that moment. The worst part about it was that I had experienced parts of it before. It was that remembered experience that let me know just how bad things are and how bad things can get. I don't want to go back to that place. The only positive I can say for it, is that I am relieved to know that when I quit life previously I really was having severe mental problems. Now I know just how severe.
So, what happened? I will do my best to describe it, but in writing I can never capture the true feeling. Things were going well, better than they had in a long time. Ben and I were in the kitchen talking and joking around. Then a message came across my screen and Ben got annoyed/dejected. He said he just needed a minute. His request was normal; my reaction was not. The stress of the day, my therapy session, and his response was too much for me to handle. I felt guilty and horrible. The self-loathing was immense and heavy. My mind started to slowly pull itself apart.
The first thing that happened was pretty standard for what I've been experiencing lately. I had an extreme desire to be away from everything and everyone. However it was more compelling and more intense of a feeling than I had felt recently. I HAD to be away from everything and everyone. I walked out the front door desperately seeking a place to be alone and outside. The air outside was damp and cold and the ground was covered in wetness from rain earlier in the day. I so desperately needed to be away that I did not put on a jacket or shoes. I just started walking. I reached a point on the sidewalk and realized I could not find what I was seeking out here. I was at a loss and spun around in circles on the sidewalk. Finally, my mind calmed down and I decided to walk back to the house.
If that had been the end of it, I would have continued my life as normal, but that was only the beginning. The moment I walked in the door my mind started doing gymnastics again. There was the abject sorrow of depression but there was more. The "more" is what I am struggling to describe. The depressed thoughts and the solutions to those thoughts pinged against me like a swarm of a thousand angry hornets. Depression can be ignored, but this could not. Still wanting to be alone and desperately wanting this storm to calm down, I decided to take a shower. I knew this meant I would self harm, but I did not know how bad it would get.
I stripped and turned on the water. My mind was reeling. I stepped into the shower and let the warm water flow over me. I got a brief reprieve from the chaos inside my mind, and then with the power of a super nova the thoughts exploded into my mind. I begged for them to stop, but to no avail. I pulled out the knife and began cutting, hoping beyond hope that this unhealthy coping skill would pull me back to reality. I cut deeper and larger than ever before and my mind was still screaming. Realizing that it wasn't going to help, I stopped. I closed my eyes and pressed my head against the tile. Horrible images flooded my mind. I saw me killing myself in a many horrific ways: I sliced my throat, I gutted myself, I jumped in front of a moving vehicle. Over and over again the images came to me. I fought against them. I considered yelling for Ben to take me to the hospital. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to not do them.
Eventually the thoughts left, but something far worse came in their place. I am struggling to describe what this far worse things is; it is similar to overwhelming, despairing emotion combined with the electricity of mania. Even this does not do what I experienced justice. I felt so alone and isolated, and I felt the weight of all the world on my shoulders. I banged my head on the tile repeatedly and begged, "Please just make it stop". A usually comforting thought came to me: Treston. I needed him to help. I started sobbing and begged him to take me away from this world. "Please, please, please, let me come to your world. Please, please, please Treston. I cannot stand it. I don't belong here. Why am I here? Please, please, please, please, please, please." I heard him say, "You know I can't. You know it isn't possible." I sob more and continue begging.
Finally another moment of reprieve came. My mind cleared. I turned off the water and dried off. I walked into the bedroom and suddenly my mind is filled with the cacophony of thoughts again. I started hearing the voices argue about me. One rang louder and clearer than the rest, "Kill yourself!" it said. "Please don't say that" I sobbed. It said it again. I begged Treston to help. Then I felt his hand on my back. He stroked my back a few times and the voices went away. I continued sobbing because I know I can never be where he is. I calmed enough to put on clothes. I wanted to try and talk to Ben. The voices came back and started arguing again. One said it will all be okay. One called me a stupid bitch for crying. One said I deserve this.
Eventually, I regained enough composure to apologize to Ben for being the way I am. He said its not a big deal, but I didn't believe him. After several more minutes of lessening hell, my mind cleared completely. I was better than I was before. I ate an entire pizza and smiled while I texted some friends. The storm was gone as quickly as it came.
So, what happened? I will do my best to describe it, but in writing I can never capture the true feeling. Things were going well, better than they had in a long time. Ben and I were in the kitchen talking and joking around. Then a message came across my screen and Ben got annoyed/dejected. He said he just needed a minute. His request was normal; my reaction was not. The stress of the day, my therapy session, and his response was too much for me to handle. I felt guilty and horrible. The self-loathing was immense and heavy. My mind started to slowly pull itself apart.
The first thing that happened was pretty standard for what I've been experiencing lately. I had an extreme desire to be away from everything and everyone. However it was more compelling and more intense of a feeling than I had felt recently. I HAD to be away from everything and everyone. I walked out the front door desperately seeking a place to be alone and outside. The air outside was damp and cold and the ground was covered in wetness from rain earlier in the day. I so desperately needed to be away that I did not put on a jacket or shoes. I just started walking. I reached a point on the sidewalk and realized I could not find what I was seeking out here. I was at a loss and spun around in circles on the sidewalk. Finally, my mind calmed down and I decided to walk back to the house.
If that had been the end of it, I would have continued my life as normal, but that was only the beginning. The moment I walked in the door my mind started doing gymnastics again. There was the abject sorrow of depression but there was more. The "more" is what I am struggling to describe. The depressed thoughts and the solutions to those thoughts pinged against me like a swarm of a thousand angry hornets. Depression can be ignored, but this could not. Still wanting to be alone and desperately wanting this storm to calm down, I decided to take a shower. I knew this meant I would self harm, but I did not know how bad it would get.
I stripped and turned on the water. My mind was reeling. I stepped into the shower and let the warm water flow over me. I got a brief reprieve from the chaos inside my mind, and then with the power of a super nova the thoughts exploded into my mind. I begged for them to stop, but to no avail. I pulled out the knife and began cutting, hoping beyond hope that this unhealthy coping skill would pull me back to reality. I cut deeper and larger than ever before and my mind was still screaming. Realizing that it wasn't going to help, I stopped. I closed my eyes and pressed my head against the tile. Horrible images flooded my mind. I saw me killing myself in a many horrific ways: I sliced my throat, I gutted myself, I jumped in front of a moving vehicle. Over and over again the images came to me. I fought against them. I considered yelling for Ben to take me to the hospital. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to not do them.
Eventually the thoughts left, but something far worse came in their place. I am struggling to describe what this far worse things is; it is similar to overwhelming, despairing emotion combined with the electricity of mania. Even this does not do what I experienced justice. I felt so alone and isolated, and I felt the weight of all the world on my shoulders. I banged my head on the tile repeatedly and begged, "Please just make it stop". A usually comforting thought came to me: Treston. I needed him to help. I started sobbing and begged him to take me away from this world. "Please, please, please, let me come to your world. Please, please, please Treston. I cannot stand it. I don't belong here. Why am I here? Please, please, please, please, please, please." I heard him say, "You know I can't. You know it isn't possible." I sob more and continue begging.
Finally another moment of reprieve came. My mind cleared. I turned off the water and dried off. I walked into the bedroom and suddenly my mind is filled with the cacophony of thoughts again. I started hearing the voices argue about me. One rang louder and clearer than the rest, "Kill yourself!" it said. "Please don't say that" I sobbed. It said it again. I begged Treston to help. Then I felt his hand on my back. He stroked my back a few times and the voices went away. I continued sobbing because I know I can never be where he is. I calmed enough to put on clothes. I wanted to try and talk to Ben. The voices came back and started arguing again. One said it will all be okay. One called me a stupid bitch for crying. One said I deserve this.
Eventually, I regained enough composure to apologize to Ben for being the way I am. He said its not a big deal, but I didn't believe him. After several more minutes of lessening hell, my mind cleared completely. I was better than I was before. I ate an entire pizza and smiled while I texted some friends. The storm was gone as quickly as it came.
Comments
Post a Comment