Depression

It is so much easier to be manic than it is to be depressed.  In mania the world is full of possibility and potential.  In depression the world is a grey, empty wasteland of nothingness.  Everyday life seems unbearable.  There are no small moments to look forward to.  Life is the daily drudge of simply being alive.  The one thing that both mania and depression have in common is that the cure for both, in my mind, is replacing this life with one full of possibility and excitement.  In mania, however, I see this as possible.  In depression, I do not see this as possible.

I must decide what I want my life to be.  I do not know if I can do that.  Is it even possible to know?  I keep asking myself, am I truly not happy with this life or is it illness that makes me unhappy ?  What does my fulfilled life look like?  In depression I know the chances of me being a  professional writer are very small.  Would I even be happy if I was a professional writer?

Part of me thinks that all of these fantasies are just because I am not happy in my life, and I look for ways to make it better.  However, if I am not happy what is it that makes me not happy?  When I look at my life from an outside perspective I should be thrilled with it.  I have a loving, caring husband, a stable career where I am well regarded, a nice house, dogs, cats, and friends, so where is the disconnect?  What is it that makes me so unhappy?  Why does my  mania drive me to grand illusions of a better a life and my depression make me dread waking up and living the life I have?

I worry that when I go on meds they will simply make it so that I accept a life I am unhappy with it.  Perhaps that is the point?  I don't know.  I question if I am really mentally ill or is it just that this life is so full of bullshit that my mind rejects it.

Jeff and I had this discussion the other day.  His mom was telling him that life was supposed to be boring.  He said he wanted more and did not accept that life should be boring.  Ben has told me the same thing and I have had much the same reaction.  How do I make this life worth living and do it in a sustainable way?

At some point, I need to dive into the ins and outs of my relationship with Ben, but I am not ready to put that to words.  He tries so hard to make me happy and tries so hard to make me see the good in this life.  I don't know if anything is even wrong with our relationship or if it is simply another casualty in the search for mind.