Good Morning World!
I am much less scattered this morning. I was able to get a full 8 hours of sleep without drugging myself which is fantastic. I want to take this opportunity to write about Bipolar Disorder. I could write out all the clinical symptoms and how to diagnose, etc, but that is not what this is about. All of that information can be found online with a quick search. I want to delve deep into what it means for me and how impact my life. I am also going to take a moment to reflect on how so much of my life makes more sense knowing that I am Bipolar.
For anyone who is unfamiliar with the disorder, Bipolar Disorder is a mental illness characterized my periods of depression, mania, or mixed episodes. I started experience symptoms of hypomania in September and was subsequently diagnosed. I think I would have continued un-diagnosed for several more weeks or months had it not been for a fantastic therapist that I had seen in the past. However, based on things she knew from my history and my symptoms at the time, she was quick to figure out what was going on with me. As soon as she said it, everything made sense.
Before I get into the history and how everything made sense, I want to talk about what the past few months have been like and what having hypomania and possibly full mania feels like. For the most part, mania feels amazing, but it is is VERY intense. I have discovered that there are different levels of mania for me as well. The levels are not clinical; they are just a way for me to describe how I feel.
Level 1 starts with feeling pretty good. I'm happy and I don't have any negative self talk. I am very sociable, charming, and outgoing. I become that friend that everyone wants to hang out with. This level is a very workable level. I can go to work and still concentrate and accomplish tasks. I can complete my homework assignments without any interruptions. Level 1 can be hard to distinguish from someone just having a good day. I would say what makes it mania as opposed to just feeling good is the super confidence I gain. There is no doubt in my mind that I am awesome, sexy, and amazing. I know I am the life of the party, and that I am the woman that everyone wants (whether or not its true).
Level 2 is when mania can start be a problem if I need to function in "normal" life. Level 2 is a feeling of blissful contentedness. I feel euphoric and happy. I still have lots of energy, but at this level, I want to exist entirely inside my own head. Everything that is in my head so beautiful and amazing that I don't want to be anywhere else. I also don't want to speak to anyone while I'm at this level, unless I'm convinced that the person I am with can experience what I am experiencing. All I want to do when I get to this point is point on head phones and listen to music while I observe the beauty inside my own head. Sometimes, I decide that my outer surroundings need to match my inner thoughts. When this happens I need to be outside in nature or in a city full of lights.
Example of a Level 2 experience: A few nights ago this feeling came over me. I couldn't stay in the house so I went for a walk. I put on noise cancelling headphones and blasted my playlists. I chose a direction on the sidewalk and went with it. I was totally absorbed with the music and the lights around me. It had gotten dark so cars were driving with their lights on and all the businesses around me had their neon signs on. I walked by La Fiesta and stopped and stared at their sign. The combination of the shapes of their letters, the colors in the sign, and the how the sign was back lit was breath taking. I studied it for a long time in awe of the simple beauty in a sign. It was perfect.
On a level 2 mania, colors are more vivid, sounds are more intense, and emotions/feelings are more intense. I can feel everything and see everything. It can be the most amazing experience if I am able to exist in that head space and not be disturbed. Level 2 is also when the problems start. At this point, I stop feeling hungry and I stop feeling tired. I'm lucky if I get 3 hours of sleep and consume 900 calories in a day. Let me delve a little deeper into not feeling hungry. It goes beyond not just feeling hungry because I will occasionally feel a hunger pain, but I ignore it. It isn't a conscious choice to ignore; it just doesn't matter. When I do try to eat, nothing tastes good. I struggle through whatever I consume and then even if it was a very small meal I feel sick after eating it. I can only eat what sounds good in the moment and if by the time I get to food it has stopped sounding tasty, then I can't eat it.
I don't think I need to talk about why not sleeping is problematic. I just don't feel tired. After a few days a week of this, my body will start to feel tired, but my mind does not. I am incapable of turning my mind off to fall asleep. Level 2 is also when work and school start to become a problem. If I'm at work when this comes on, it no longer feels like blissful contentedness because I can't drop what I'm doing and exist in my head. Instead all the beauty in my head turns into chaos. I become forgetful and unable to concentrate. I'm easily distracted by the slightest sound or thought. It feels like there is a piece of machinery in my mind and in order to make it work properly you have to drop the last piece into place, but there is something in the way of that last piece. The harder you try to force the piece into place, the worse the machine operates. This happened at work on Thursday. I had been sent an instructional document on how to make a request for a new piece of hardware. I read the document 8 times and still had no idea what it said or how to do it. It has also caused me to not be able to complete simple tasks that I can usually do blind-folded. I get lost and confused with the tasks I need to complete. I do part of each of them and have no idea how to complete any of them.
Level 3 mania is when things get the most intense and strange. The amount of energy coursing through my body makes it literally impossible for me to sit still. I start constantly moving my hands or my arm starts twitching. If I'm sitting I start bouncing in my seat, and I don't mean that in a figurative manner. I literally start bouncing up and down in my seat. I have to move. Even writing this, I feel I am not doing justice to how intense this gets. The level of energy inside my mind is the same. I either begin to feel as if electricity is inside my head or it can feel like my brain is on fire! I have described it as having an arc reactor in my mind. I have no filter at this point. Whatever thoughts come my mind are coming out of my mouth. I can't carry on a steady conversation when this occurs. I also start get to compulsions at this point. What do I mean my compulsions? I will have thoughts enter that I then have to act on. So far the ones that I have had come up have been, I need to go to Charleston, I need to go hiking, I have to see or talk to a particular friend. If I try to contain or ignore the energy and thoughts I start getting really irritated and angry. My mind gets worse, so I do the compulsions at the expense of all other things. I had an exam to take, but I drove to Charleston for a day. I had a paper to write, but I spent the day hiking. I have been lucky so far that these are the worst things that I have done in this state. I am also lucky that I have several wonderful people in my life that go with me on these compulsions and keep me safe.
At each level so many more things happen as well. There is so much going on inside my head I feel it would be impossible to write it all out. It would take a novel to describe it. The other thing I would like to mention is that there isn't a clear progression from Level 1 to Level 2 to Level 3. Sometimes, it occurs in this fashion. Other times I go from "normal" to Level 3 in an instant. When that happens it feels like having your mind slapped by a bag of bricks. Not always so pleasant.
I plan on making more postings about the other aspects of Bipolar Disorder. I will get into mixed episodes and depression. I will also cover my history of Bipolar Disorder and how I got to where I am now with it. For now, I will leave you with this. Hopefully, someone will come across this and find it useful.
I am much less scattered this morning. I was able to get a full 8 hours of sleep without drugging myself which is fantastic. I want to take this opportunity to write about Bipolar Disorder. I could write out all the clinical symptoms and how to diagnose, etc, but that is not what this is about. All of that information can be found online with a quick search. I want to delve deep into what it means for me and how impact my life. I am also going to take a moment to reflect on how so much of my life makes more sense knowing that I am Bipolar.
For anyone who is unfamiliar with the disorder, Bipolar Disorder is a mental illness characterized my periods of depression, mania, or mixed episodes. I started experience symptoms of hypomania in September and was subsequently diagnosed. I think I would have continued un-diagnosed for several more weeks or months had it not been for a fantastic therapist that I had seen in the past. However, based on things she knew from my history and my symptoms at the time, she was quick to figure out what was going on with me. As soon as she said it, everything made sense.
Before I get into the history and how everything made sense, I want to talk about what the past few months have been like and what having hypomania and possibly full mania feels like. For the most part, mania feels amazing, but it is is VERY intense. I have discovered that there are different levels of mania for me as well. The levels are not clinical; they are just a way for me to describe how I feel.
Level 1 starts with feeling pretty good. I'm happy and I don't have any negative self talk. I am very sociable, charming, and outgoing. I become that friend that everyone wants to hang out with. This level is a very workable level. I can go to work and still concentrate and accomplish tasks. I can complete my homework assignments without any interruptions. Level 1 can be hard to distinguish from someone just having a good day. I would say what makes it mania as opposed to just feeling good is the super confidence I gain. There is no doubt in my mind that I am awesome, sexy, and amazing. I know I am the life of the party, and that I am the woman that everyone wants (whether or not its true).
Level 2 is when mania can start be a problem if I need to function in "normal" life. Level 2 is a feeling of blissful contentedness. I feel euphoric and happy. I still have lots of energy, but at this level, I want to exist entirely inside my own head. Everything that is in my head so beautiful and amazing that I don't want to be anywhere else. I also don't want to speak to anyone while I'm at this level, unless I'm convinced that the person I am with can experience what I am experiencing. All I want to do when I get to this point is point on head phones and listen to music while I observe the beauty inside my own head. Sometimes, I decide that my outer surroundings need to match my inner thoughts. When this happens I need to be outside in nature or in a city full of lights.
Example of a Level 2 experience: A few nights ago this feeling came over me. I couldn't stay in the house so I went for a walk. I put on noise cancelling headphones and blasted my playlists. I chose a direction on the sidewalk and went with it. I was totally absorbed with the music and the lights around me. It had gotten dark so cars were driving with their lights on and all the businesses around me had their neon signs on. I walked by La Fiesta and stopped and stared at their sign. The combination of the shapes of their letters, the colors in the sign, and the how the sign was back lit was breath taking. I studied it for a long time in awe of the simple beauty in a sign. It was perfect.
On a level 2 mania, colors are more vivid, sounds are more intense, and emotions/feelings are more intense. I can feel everything and see everything. It can be the most amazing experience if I am able to exist in that head space and not be disturbed. Level 2 is also when the problems start. At this point, I stop feeling hungry and I stop feeling tired. I'm lucky if I get 3 hours of sleep and consume 900 calories in a day. Let me delve a little deeper into not feeling hungry. It goes beyond not just feeling hungry because I will occasionally feel a hunger pain, but I ignore it. It isn't a conscious choice to ignore; it just doesn't matter. When I do try to eat, nothing tastes good. I struggle through whatever I consume and then even if it was a very small meal I feel sick after eating it. I can only eat what sounds good in the moment and if by the time I get to food it has stopped sounding tasty, then I can't eat it.
I don't think I need to talk about why not sleeping is problematic. I just don't feel tired. After a few days a week of this, my body will start to feel tired, but my mind does not. I am incapable of turning my mind off to fall asleep. Level 2 is also when work and school start to become a problem. If I'm at work when this comes on, it no longer feels like blissful contentedness because I can't drop what I'm doing and exist in my head. Instead all the beauty in my head turns into chaos. I become forgetful and unable to concentrate. I'm easily distracted by the slightest sound or thought. It feels like there is a piece of machinery in my mind and in order to make it work properly you have to drop the last piece into place, but there is something in the way of that last piece. The harder you try to force the piece into place, the worse the machine operates. This happened at work on Thursday. I had been sent an instructional document on how to make a request for a new piece of hardware. I read the document 8 times and still had no idea what it said or how to do it. It has also caused me to not be able to complete simple tasks that I can usually do blind-folded. I get lost and confused with the tasks I need to complete. I do part of each of them and have no idea how to complete any of them.
Level 3 mania is when things get the most intense and strange. The amount of energy coursing through my body makes it literally impossible for me to sit still. I start constantly moving my hands or my arm starts twitching. If I'm sitting I start bouncing in my seat, and I don't mean that in a figurative manner. I literally start bouncing up and down in my seat. I have to move. Even writing this, I feel I am not doing justice to how intense this gets. The level of energy inside my mind is the same. I either begin to feel as if electricity is inside my head or it can feel like my brain is on fire! I have described it as having an arc reactor in my mind. I have no filter at this point. Whatever thoughts come my mind are coming out of my mouth. I can't carry on a steady conversation when this occurs. I also start get to compulsions at this point. What do I mean my compulsions? I will have thoughts enter that I then have to act on. So far the ones that I have had come up have been, I need to go to Charleston, I need to go hiking, I have to see or talk to a particular friend. If I try to contain or ignore the energy and thoughts I start getting really irritated and angry. My mind gets worse, so I do the compulsions at the expense of all other things. I had an exam to take, but I drove to Charleston for a day. I had a paper to write, but I spent the day hiking. I have been lucky so far that these are the worst things that I have done in this state. I am also lucky that I have several wonderful people in my life that go with me on these compulsions and keep me safe.
At each level so many more things happen as well. There is so much going on inside my head I feel it would be impossible to write it all out. It would take a novel to describe it. The other thing I would like to mention is that there isn't a clear progression from Level 1 to Level 2 to Level 3. Sometimes, it occurs in this fashion. Other times I go from "normal" to Level 3 in an instant. When that happens it feels like having your mind slapped by a bag of bricks. Not always so pleasant.
I plan on making more postings about the other aspects of Bipolar Disorder. I will get into mixed episodes and depression. I will also cover my history of Bipolar Disorder and how I got to where I am now with it. For now, I will leave you with this. Hopefully, someone will come across this and find it useful.
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