Muscles, Mimosas, and Misery

It is so much easier to be manic than it is to be depressed.  In mania the world is full of possibility and potential.  In depression the world is a grey, empty wasteland of nothingness.  Everyday life seems unbearable.  There are no small moments to look forward to.  Life is the daily drudge of simply being alive.  The one thing that both mania and depression have in common is that the cure for both, in my mind, is replacing this life with one full of possibility and excitement.  In mania, however, I see this as possible.  In depression, I do not see this as possible. I must decide what I want my life to be.  I do not know if I can do that.  Is it even possible to know?  I keep asking myself, am I truly not happy with this life or is it illness that makes me unhappy ?  What does my fulfilled life look like?  In depression I know the chances of me being a  professional writer are very small.  Would I even be ha...

I'm paralyzed.  I don't know where to begin, and I don't know where to end.  My life has been a beautiful mass of swirling impulsive decisions intermingled with clear headed thoughtful moves.  I now sit and ponder this extraordinary life while I sip my morning coffee. A purring tortoise shell cat sits in my lap; if I pet her she will leave. The last few months of my life have been a blur of excitement, impulsiveness, and mental illness. Even if nothing changes, my life is forever altered. In this moment, I know that I am not happy with my current life.  My life is structured and stable. I have a steady and boring job with planned vacations, health insurance, and a 401K.  I know all of those are good things, and those are not things that I want to give up, but I desire something more from this life.  I want something that my current situation is not providing me.  I'm not sure I know what that something is. I run into the arms of madness because of ...

Beautiful Disastrous Chaos Wrap me in your madness Hold me tight Help me escape this mundane life Beautiful Thundering Chaos The screaming silence The silent screaming-- Trice my mind shatters

This was going to be a post about crashing and depression, but I'm sleepy.  I wanted to write some and get out some of the thoughts in my head. Like every week with bipolar disorder, the past few days have been quite interesting. I crashed hard Sunday evening/night.  I remained depressed Monday and most of today.  I went to see my therapist and became very slightly hypomanic and then I went to my friend's house and had dinner. After just relaxing and talking to my friend for a while I came to calmness.  Sweet, wonderful calmness.  With my calm mind I faced some thoughts that I have not been able to trust.  I'm going to publish this post, so I won't get into those.  Just in case. Either way it was nice.

Good Morning World! I am much less scattered this morning.  I was able to get a full 8 hours of sleep without drugging myself which is fantastic.  I want to take this opportunity to write about Bipolar Disorder.  I could write out all the clinical symptoms and how to diagnose, etc, but that is not what this is about.  All of that information can be found online with a quick search.  I want to delve deep into what it means for me and how impact my life.  I am also going to take a moment to reflect on how so much of my life makes more sense knowing that I am Bipolar. For anyone who is unfamiliar with the disorder, Bipolar Disorder is a mental illness characterized my periods of depression, mania, or mixed episodes.  I started experience symptoms of hypomania in September and was subsequently diagnosed.  I think I would have continued un-diagnosed for several more weeks or months had it not been for a fantastic therapist that I had seen in the pa...

The moon lights up the night, As I watch the dancing sprites. The spring wind blows, to the place no one knows, As the elves sing away my woes. And all of the dragons take to flight before the signs of first day light

Torn between two hearts Torn between two minds Two souls I could have Two souls could be mine Torn between two souls nothing more

The music is blasting, yet I barely hear it. Thoughts are racing through my head Nothing seems very clear. My name is being called But my body doesn't react My eyes are closed But I can still see everything I have work to do but I can't do it I have places to be but I can't be there I'm trapped in my own world I cry for someone to rescue me but no one comes I scream for help and no one hears There is only one way out Should I take it?

Looking up at the night sky My mind drifting I close my eyes and I can feel you My eyes open and I am alone again Alone, without you

I know this blog has been re-purposed several times.  Given the non existent traffic to the page, I'm not too worried about it.  I recently found out that I am Bipolar.  I have actually been Bipolar for as long as I can remember, but was only recently diagnosed.  Everyone I have told about it has said the same thing, "Huh, that makes so much sense!"  In some ways it is comforting to know what has been in my head my entire life.  There are still some things that make almost no sense. I'm a little scattered tonight, so this blog post probably won't flow in the best manner.  I wanted to spend some time writing about what Bipolar disorder feels like to me, but that will take more concentration than I have tonight.  Instead, the second point of this blog post was to introduce my writing.  I had a very intense and wonderful conversation with a good friend about writing and literature.  This reminded me that in the past a wrote A LOT.  I...