I'm paralyzed. I don't know where to begin, and I don't know where to end. My life has been a beautiful mass of swirling impulsive decisions intermingled with clear headed thoughtful moves. I now sit and ponder this extraordinary life while I sip my morning coffee. A purring tortoise shell cat sits in my lap; if I pet her she will leave.
The last few months of my life have been a blur of excitement, impulsiveness, and mental illness. Even if nothing changes, my life is forever altered. In this moment, I know that I am not happy with my current life. My life is structured and stable. I have a steady and boring job with planned vacations, health insurance, and a 401K. I know all of those are good things, and those are not things that I want to give up, but I desire something more from this life. I want something that my current situation is not providing me. I'm not sure I know what that something is.
I run into the arms of madness because of the chaos it brings. It builds me up and tears me down and I crave it. When I look into the madness, I see a thousand universes of stars, suns, planets, black holes, and super novas. I want to dive into the depths and get lost in the oblivion. I want to be swept away from this place and tossed about in the miasma of perpetual turbulence and brilliance.
As I write this, realization sweeps over me in a moment of awe. What I have just described is my mind. This place of perpetual turbulence and brilliance is my mind. I want to exist in a plane that matches what is inside my head. This world is not enough for me. This life is not enough for me. I want an extraordinary life of adventure and bliss and heart wrenching sadness. I want to and can feel all the emotions in existence, and then I want to lay exhausted and drained in the after math. In this after math, I will sleep in blissful emptiness, void of all thought and feeling. Then I will wake and begin the storm again.
This and only this will satisfy. I do not know how to attain this. Perhaps it is unattainable. Thus I trudge along this mortal life dreaming of a place in the stars where I can reign supreme.
The last few months of my life have been a blur of excitement, impulsiveness, and mental illness. Even if nothing changes, my life is forever altered. In this moment, I know that I am not happy with my current life. My life is structured and stable. I have a steady and boring job with planned vacations, health insurance, and a 401K. I know all of those are good things, and those are not things that I want to give up, but I desire something more from this life. I want something that my current situation is not providing me. I'm not sure I know what that something is.
I run into the arms of madness because of the chaos it brings. It builds me up and tears me down and I crave it. When I look into the madness, I see a thousand universes of stars, suns, planets, black holes, and super novas. I want to dive into the depths and get lost in the oblivion. I want to be swept away from this place and tossed about in the miasma of perpetual turbulence and brilliance.
As I write this, realization sweeps over me in a moment of awe. What I have just described is my mind. This place of perpetual turbulence and brilliance is my mind. I want to exist in a plane that matches what is inside my head. This world is not enough for me. This life is not enough for me. I want an extraordinary life of adventure and bliss and heart wrenching sadness. I want to and can feel all the emotions in existence, and then I want to lay exhausted and drained in the after math. In this after math, I will sleep in blissful emptiness, void of all thought and feeling. Then I will wake and begin the storm again.
This and only this will satisfy. I do not know how to attain this. Perhaps it is unattainable. Thus I trudge along this mortal life dreaming of a place in the stars where I can reign supreme.
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